he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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