My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
