got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
