You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
