May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
