the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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