im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
