There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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