Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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