It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he shaved USA in his pubs
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's never too late to be topless.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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