he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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