i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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