Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
