I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
