the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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