Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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