I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
