im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
