i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
