Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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