I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
