he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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