a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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