If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
