Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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