Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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