I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
