Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
