there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He better not be in your backpack
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
