Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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