I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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