You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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