Someone shit on the floor
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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