who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
