I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't deserve a penis
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
