I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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