I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
