I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
