Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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