you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
