I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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