I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
