just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
