i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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