i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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