i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
