They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
