There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
