Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
