i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
