Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
