I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
