apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
