Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
