what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
