paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
