fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
